Installing a washing machine

Whenever I say the word 'trendy' out loud, I always hear a gagging noise nearby. Recently, I discovered the noise was coming from me.

I gag on that word because, as human evolution goes, we are making very, very slow progress. So it's plain embarrassing to assume that we're moving fast enough to create changing trends. For example, men still grow ear hair. Why do they need ear hair? Thousands of years ago, before hats, maybe ear hair was crucial. But why now? And for that matter, why do older women sprout chin hair? We didn't have it for the first 50 years of our lives. What possible biological purpose does it serve now?

In some future era, older women will stop getting chin hair and men will no longer produce ear shrubbery. This biological benchmark will be duly installed on our Timeline of Human Evolution, marking the proud beginning of a new era. Noteworthy indeed. Whereas "Walls Drenched in Hot New Berry Pinks" is just not that important on the grander scale, especially if you're busy making electrolysis appointments.

Trend for Yourself

But trends can give one a welcome sense of irony. Here's an example: In early days, we washed our laundry in the river. (This explains the vestigial webbing between our fingers). With the invention of washing machines, we effectively brought the river into the basement.

Then it became cool to have the laundry on the main floor, so there was less traipsing up and down to the basement. And now, the fashion is to move washing machines and dryers to upper floors, shooting for the shortest possible distance between doffing soiled garments, and wadding them into that river-in-a-box, the modern washer.

Here's where the irony comes in. When the washing machine floods because a 6-year-old relative has evolved to the point where he's discovered how to clog a drain with Plastiscine, you now have three entire floors flooded instead of just the basement laundry room. This is because the trend in gravity is for water to flow into the lowest possible location in any given dwelling.

Tap Your Troubles Away

When it gets to the point where the old washing machine is not repairable and you have to replace it, why pay the $100 installation fee when you can have the fun of connecting the new one yourself?

Here's how:

1. Unplug the old washer. Turn off the hot and cold water supply taps. The taps may be corroded and un-budging. Don't force them or you'll blow a geyser that your relatives will never let you forget. Instead, wrap a vinegar-soaked rag around the tap stem for about 15 minutes, or until you can loosen it. Now turn the supply taps off.
2. Disconnect the supply hoses from the supply taps and discard them. (You want brand new hoses because old hoses have high bursting potential.)
3. Horse the old machine out, and the new machine into position. If it's brand new, make sure you remove all packing and shipping braces. (Check the manual for details.)
4. Finger-tighten new anti-burst braided-steel supply hoses (they cost extra but it's worth it) on the inlets of the new unit.
5. Attach the waste hose to the waste outlet, tightening the hose clamp with a screwdriver. (Note: If you bought a graduated waste hose you may need to cut the larger section off with a utility knife to ensure that the hose fits tightly over the waste outlet.)
6. Place a level on top of the unit and level it front to back and side to side. (If it's not level it'll vibrate badly and won't fully pump out water.) Prop the bottom of the machine up on something so the feet turn freely. To raise or lower a foot, loosen the locking nut with pliers, then twist the rubber foot (clockwise shortens it, counter clockwise makes it taller). Re-tighten the locking nut. TIP: Usually you'll just need to adjust the two front feet. Use pliers if the feet are stiff.
7. Plug in the new machine, turn on the supply taps and run the unit through a short cycle. Check for leaks, especially where the supply hoses connect to the back of the washing machine. They may need another quarter turn with pliers.

Remember, if you're installing a washing machine on an upper floor, include a shower pan with a drain under the unit. If there's ever a flood, you won't be the laughing stock of local gravity trend watchers as you replace all of your flooring.